This won't be a terribly long or involved posting, but I'm hoping it serves as an explanation as to why I've been absent for a time.
You will remember from my previous posts about our terrible experience and loss in June 2012.
After losing the baby, and recovering from surgery, I had convinced myself that I was "getting better". That things would be sad and hard for a while, but that I would get by, that I could go back to work, back to my life, and that things would continue as they had been. I was wrong.
I went back to work in September, and while I had somewhat fooled myself (and apparently had fooled everyone else) I allowed my anxiety and depression to build to an absolute fever pitch, which resulted in my having a full-blown panic attack in the front hall of our house about 20 minutes before I was supposed to go to work. I couldn't leave the house, I couldn't go to work, I couldn't do anything.
I went to my doctor and we started a daily prescription regimen, which is helping - but I am not healed. I took an official leave of absence from my job in October, and I have not been able to go back. At this point - I am officially: unemployed.
Anxiety and Depression are ugly beasts who cling to my back daily and whisper horrible things in my ear. Things like "no wonder you lost the baby - you're a terrible mother" and "it's going to be January, you would have had the baby soon - but you didn't deserve another child anyway". Anxiety questions my every move, and while those whispers are dampened a bit by the medication - enough that they don't cause panic daily anymore - they're still there. It's a constant "did you lock the door?" "did you turn the stove off?" "Is the littl'un okay, he's going to hurt himself if you let him do that alone." "check that the door is locked" "check that that water's not too hot" "take that knife from him" "Don't let him use those scissors!" "The dog's going to get out" and so on and so on and so on.
I managed to struggle my way through our regular back-and-forth Christmas schedule. And I thought I was good at fooling those around me, but even my family and in-laws noticed that I wasn't really okay.
Now - thankfully, I have a wonderful family, and great friends, and possibly the most loving, supportive and gently encouraging husband you could imagine. It does make my heart smile to know that God sure knew what he was doing when he brought us together - though I question what the Hubs gets out of it ...(he says cupcakes... pfft - men).
My doctor thinks the next logical step is for me to begin seeing a psychiatrist. That will start in the new year, and I am leery, but willing.
I am trying, blog-friends - and I couldn't have known it would be this hard to try and live again. I want to be free of this darkness - I don't want every good moment of my life to be tinged by darkness and sadness and panic. And I feel like there is light ahead, but I am struggling to get there. Depression and Anxiety put you on a dark road, a long and treacherous road, one that seems to wind back on itself without going forward. And I think that I - like many who suffer this way - are good at smiling, laughing, joking, and appearing to go about our lives without too many others knowing the truth of how we feel. That there is pain and panic and disorder behind our smiles. That it is very very hard to tell the truth when someone says "How are you?". That it is so much easier to lie and say "Fine, good - and you?" because we don't think that anyone really wants to know.
I will get there. I will get there. I will.
But it takes time, and for me - tea.
If you know anyone who is possibly suffering from depression, anxiety, self doubt and panic attacks - don't let them suffer alone. At the very least, make it known that you are willing to be there to talk, hand hold, and pray with/for them, or just listen. Gently remind your loved one that the voices of Depression and Anxiety - while sometimes loud and overwhelming are not nearly as powerful as the voices of those who love and care for them. Thanks. ~Tea.
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