It's the 10th.
That was the first thing in my mind this morning when I woke up. My internal clock seems to have an alarm set on the 10th of the month these days. 3 months ago on the 10th of June I had a fairly great day; a special worship service at the church, a bridal shower... and then - as you well know - my whole life fell apart right before my eyes. At least - that's how it felt.
And the 6 weeks of physical healing that followed were hard. There's no other word. They were hard. And the many many more weeks/months/years(?) I'm looking at for emotional healing... well, I don't expect them to be easy either.
But I'm trying. I'm trying to heal and grow at the same time. And you know what? It's hard.
Now - I've never been one to shy away from the hard stuff. In fact - some people (perhaps people who don't like me very much) would even go so far as to call me 'hard'. I think I'm okay with that. I think of it as tough, confident, strong. All good words. But they're defensive words. They're hard words.
So lately I've been trying to also remind myself that while there are things that are hard, that I don't like, that I haven't got a choice whether or not they happen... that while those things are happening - and are hard - that at the same time I'm blessed.
I woke up this morning and I was in the mood to be sad. "It's the 10th" I said to myself. I sat up on the side of the bed, shoulders slumped, feeling dejected - "it's the 10th." Then I stood up and I saw my husband asleep and I thought "it's the 10th... and I'm blessed." I'm blessed because that man has stayed here beside me, held me when I cried, given me reason to smile and laugh and laughed with me. ... And I'm blessed.
I went and woke up my kiddos, and saw them sleeping, peaceful and quiet (the only time they are!) and I thought "It's the 10th... and I'm blessed." Blessed to have 2 wacky, crazy, wild, funny, beautiful little boys.
I checked facebook this morning, and saw that it's both my sister's and my good friends' anniversaries today. 1 year and 7 years respectively. And I thought "It's the 10th, and I'm blessed!" Blessed to have family and friends that I care about, who are there for me in love and support, who are a huge, integral part of my life. And have been and will be there for me yesterday, today and tomorrow.
I'm blessed. I'm grieving still, yes. I'm anxious, constantly. I'm tired, and discouraged, and angry, and confused... but I'm blessed. Blessed with family, friends, a job, a home, and more reasons to smile and laugh than to stress and cry.
It's the 10th.
There will be many 10ths. There will be 3 months and 4 months and 6 months and 10 years away from the day that my life seemed to collapse around me. But I'm here. And I'm blessed.
So thank you - for reading these blog posts. For supporting me, for crying with me, and thinking of me and praying for me and everything else that blog readers, family, friends alike do. I couldn't make it through without any of you. For that - and so many other reasons - I'm blessed.
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