Soul-weary

Maybe it's the weather...

I can't tell you how many times someone has said that to me recently. After a while of friends and family dealing with the fact of my depression and anxiety, it's inevitable that someone, well meaning or not, will say something like "Maybe it's the weather." Or, even better, "Well, it being winter doesn't help." And those things may well be true. In fact, many people deal with higher than average levels of depression and sadness and just feeling "down" at this time of year simply because we don't get enough sunlight, and vitamin D. But, I'm pretty sure that taking a vitamin isn't going to make much difference here.

I wish it were that simple.

But a vitamin isn't going to stop that horrible, nagging voice in my head when I'm alone, or trying to sleep, or in the shower. That voice that reminds me of how I'm a terrible mother, a useless wife, a bad friend. That voice that tells me that I don't deserve my children, my husband, my family. That maybe those people would be better off without me around.

A vitamin isn't going to make me stop checking.... EVERYTHING. Compulsively making lists and checking them, and re-writing them because they're not in order, or they don't read correctly, or it's just easier to go to the computer, type them all out, make bullet points, so that I can cross them off, or check them off, or check the list 10,000 times a day.

But what IS going to help those things? I don't know. And I'm tired. My soul is tired. I'm soul-weary.



I am patiently (?) waiting for my appointment with the referred psychiatrist at the hospital. I don't know what she will say, if anything. I don't know if she'll listen, if she'll give advice, if she'll just medicate me further. I don't even know if that's what I want? Do I want to be medicated? Will more meds make me a zombie? Would that be better for my boys and the hubs if I were?

For those who deal with depression, anxiety, compulsiveness, intrusive thoughts - we know that there's no one answer. And even when there is an answer, it's never simple. And I wish there were a way for my family and friends to understand that it's okay to not have an answer. It's okay to not have any advice. I don't know about anyone else dealing with these issues, but I know I don't expect anyone to have any answers... But please understand just one thing: I'm tired of it too.

I want, more than most anything, to be able to get up everyday with a purpose. I want to be able to get up, go to a job, help support my family. I want to be productive. I want to have drive and energy and verve. But I don't. Most days I don't want to get up, let alone get dressed, get the big'un to school, make lunches and dinners. I don't want to go to the meetings and practises of groups that I love (truly!). I don't want to go to family functions. I don't want to talk to people. I want to crawl into a hole, and just stay there. But I can't. I won't let myself do it.

I think there's a misconception that people who are dealing with "serious" depression and mental health issues wouldn't be able to go to church, or birthday parties. That we wouldn't be able to listen to music, sing along with the radio, and go on a movie date with our significant other. That we'd be somehow incapable of smiling, or laughing, or expressing anything except sadness and despair. That's not true. In fact, we're capable of doing all of those things.... it's just exhausting. We do them because we're not ready to give up. Because, for me, I so desperately want there to be a time again when it's not exhausting. When I can laugh and enjoy something and not feel guilty for doing so. When that voice in my head is silent, and I can be joyful without a tinge of darkness. I long for that day.

But until then, I'm weary.

Tea.